Saturday, August 22, 2009

day in the life of a ducky

Hello. My name is Xavier Xerxes Quonset XXXII. Since Platypus is so lazy, I was coerced into doing a guest post for her today. Something about a car malfunction and copious amounts of vomiting? I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

Anyway, our day began with me commanding Platypus to get off of her butt and do something productive, since she spends most of her non-working time in front of the computer. I keep telling her that she needs a hobby, to which she replies that she knits and that knitting is a hobby.

I don't think she's quite getting the point.

Also, where in the hell did she find that ugly, ugly plate? I wouldn't serve food off of that plate to someone I hated! I attempted to push it off of her desk while she was in the shower, but it unfortunately didn't break.

Note to self: push the plate out the window next time.

Anyway, the next part of the day involved Platypus's commute to work. I chose to tag along, since there was nothing of interest going on at home.

At least I got to pick the music for the commute...we weren't gonna be having any of that whiny depressing garbage she often listens to, and I certainly wasn't going to pollute my delicate ears with the yackety schmackety on the radio! I chose the Vengaboys "The Party Album!" for our listening pleasure...we were dancing around the car like looneys until the traffic got bad. Apparently, people in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts are too lacking in common sense to use their turn signals nearly as often as they ought to.

Also, the sight of not one but two dingbats careening down the breakdown lane was greeted with much entertaining expletive use from Platypus. It was kind of monotonous, in many senses...that girl really needs to learn some four-letter words other than the one that starts with "f" and rhymes with duck. I'd suggest "quack", but that's five letters.

Anyway, we at least had air conditioning to enjoy, which certainly made the trip more pleasant. I think I would probably have to go on some sort of deranged destructive rampage if I didn't have air conditioning when it gets really hot out.

Oh. Wait. The house isn't actually air conditioned. Crap.

We made it to Platypus's place of employment without anyone dying or even getting maimed, at any rate. I got to chit-chat with the receptionist in her office...the receptionist is a very nice lady. We watched the Food Network on her little tv while Platypus was back in the back doing whatever it is that she does all day.

The receptionist (we'll call her Jane, because I like the name Jane) even let me decide whether or not to have the sound on during commercials and whether or not we should change the channel, which I thought was most gracious of her. It would be nice if I could get the same kind of respect at home...*ahem*.

I must say that I'm glad I don't have to work in front of a laptop all day. I would probably get the most terrible cramps in my shoulders and neck. I suppose that explains why so many of Platypus's regular massage clients work in front of computers.

After Jane and I had hung out and shot the breeze for awhile, Platypus took me back into the back part of the office to let me check out the massage rooms. I'm quite fond of the massage tables, I must say...there's this spiffy electric-blanket-type dealy on the table under those sheets that keeps the table feeling nice and toasty warm. You'd think that having the table all warm when it's hot out would make you feel hotter, but it actually feels really nice during the massage. According to Platypus, the table warmer feels good because your body temperature drops slightly when you're getting a massage...something about increased circulation in the extremities and in the superficial layers of muscle. I was half asleep by that point, because the table was so comfortable. I wanted to just take a nice long nap on the table while Platypus went to do her charting, but she said that she didn't trust me not to do something nefarious.

I'm almost insulted. Almost. Really, I wondered whether the charting was the pen-and-paper kind, or whether there was a computer around that I could use for browsing Fark. I did rather fall behind on my Farking during this little field trip today, after all.

Charting turned out to be kind of dull, since there's only one computer and Platypus said that she didn't think it would be wise for me to be reading Fark when she had notes to finish. She wrote her notes while I kept an eye on her spelling and grammar...they use some very strange abbreviations in this industry, let me tell you. Apparently, sp cap stands for splenius capitis. I'd have thought it stood for spelling cap or something. Perhaps I should get out more.

I did find it rather amusing that the computer matched my glorious plumage.

Oh, and that purple thing on the counter to my right is apparently some kind of tool that Platypus uses for doing deep-tissue work. I just thought it was a weird-looking piece of plastic for fiddling around with when one is stressed out, kind of like a worry stone. Learn something new every day, I guess.

As you can imagine, I was feeling rather tired out by all this gallivanting. I thought that taking a brief nap in the tanning bed sounded like an excellent way to end the day.

Apparently, however, this is not actually a tanning bed. The UV light in there is intended to disinfect and sanitize the towels in the warmer.

Personally, I thought it was just the right size for me...Platypus was laughing so hard that I thought she was going to have a stroke.

I'm still not entirely sure what was so funny.

All in all, I think I can understand why she doesn't really complain much when the end of her weekend rolls around. Her office is a good spot for hanging out in.

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